Make the nasty thing go away.
This. Fuck everything about it.

A few posts down I wrote how I accidentally offend people nearly all the time. It’s so terribly awkward and un-fun. I don’t try to be a bad guy, but it seems I just am.

However, this time I’m just going to say what I think. I don’t care if you’re offended, because the issue angers me more than it will probably anger you to know that I am angered by it. And if that last sentence angered you, good. Stop reading now.

I simply have two questions.

(1) Who thought it would be a good idea to create a reality television series, and as a result, several spin-off series, based on the everyday lives of lower-class, butter-brained, plum-faced, Nutella-glazed, uneducated, gormless idiots who all happen to live in the same location so we can laugh (or cringe) at their hilarious shenanigans?

(2) Who thought it would be a good idea to take the people who feature in these shows out of those shows, and instead have them appear on popular comedy panel shows which mainly consist of seasoned, quick-witted, middle-class comedians who normally banter away quite happily but suddenly are now having their flow regularly interrupted by whichever clown-faced, squirrel-haired, humanity-misrepresenting newbie has been deemed to be on the show purely for such a purpose, who is constantly clamoring for attention or asking for an explanation as to the last genuinely good (now ruined) joke that was uttered?

Whoever those two people are, both need to be hunted down and garrotted with their own spinal cords.

Keep the people who star in those wretched, exploiting and nigh-unwatchable shows off of my 8 Out of 10 Cats and Never Mind the Buzzcocks. On those shows, they only exist to look hopelessly out of place and have the piss ripped out of them by Jimmy Carr or Noel Fielding or some such other ingenious comedic piss-ripper – it’s a terribly cringe-worthy mismatch.

If I want to see people acting like idiots, I’ll watch the shows that they are meant to act like idiots on. Except I don’t, but I lose out anyway because you bring them onto the shows I watch to get away from idiots.

Below is a list of people I never want to see on TV again. Ever.

  • John and Edward, or… Jedward as they’re abbreviatively known. Whoever looks after them (Louis Walsh?), please ensure put them to bed with a glass of warm milk at a reasonable time, so they have no chance of appearing on any more of the post-watershed shows I like to watch. Cheers.
  • Amy Childs. God, even her name is an abuse of English. I don’t care what accolades you received in pre-school for your elocution, girl, it was not the stopping point of your journey of exploring the English language. Please try harder to speak proper like what I does.
  • Anyone who has anything to do with X Factor. I don’t watch it, but every event that unfolds on it gets mentioned by someone in my Facebook feed enough that I may as well be. I can do without any more of it in my daily routine, thanks.
  • Anyone who won a non-Celebrity series of Big Brother. Especially you, Brian. Never talk about shitting yourself on the tube train ever again.
  • Joey Essex. Dear sweet Lord. Get off my screen you self-obsessed tit.
  • Anyone who pronounces the word ‘brother’ as ‘bwuvva’.

Give all the above people their own 24-hour reality TV channel in which they can be as innocent and act as base and crass as they like. And for good measure, please provide anyone who has access to said channel with a free pair of miniature curtains that can be pulled out from either side of the television screen so you have to be directly in front of it to watch it.

This has been what I think.


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