Month: November 2011

Scotty the Cat, episode 4 – the final chapter

Scotty is now terrified of our house.

The number of empty rooms and cardboard boxes left lying around the place has made him freak out a little bit, and he can’t stand the sound or even the threat of cardboard boxes being moved around. I think it might be because he loves climbing in and out of them, which he was doing with unstoppable zeal earlier today. (We were in fact quite lucky he didn’t climb into a box inhabited by about two dozen hibernating wasps in our barn.) Think about it – would you be a little concerned for your well-being if the very thing you enjoyed living peacefully in started floating ominously towards you, while appearing to be pulled along by some kind of giant bipedal monstrosity ten times bigger than you?

…And you happened to be a rather stupid cat? Okay, now the metaphor makes sense.

This is unfortunately the final installment of the Scotty the Cat series as we will be leaving him behind when we buzz off to Oz. He is after all, not our animal.

“If I fits, I sits.” …You don’t fit. “Screw you I’m a cat.”

But he is probably the best thing that happened to us while we’ve been here in Norfolk… even if he did puke on my bed that one time. But apart from that, he’s clearly well-trained because he has not left his leavings throughout the house or deliberately tried to damage our furnishings – with the possible exception of clawing at the carpet occasionally – which he always does for about 4 seconds at the very top of the stairs… for some unknown reason.

We’ll miss you, Scotty boy. Hopefully the new house owners will look after you and your stray buddy Smoky, and you’ll get along with their cats, too. In honor of your endless capability for entertaining us with your mindless tom-foolery (forgive the pun), here are some videos of you that I thought were worthy of sharing. They’re not particularly flattering, but they are still some of the better memories we have of you. Cheers, Scott.

Systematic chaos

Currently our entire house smells of dusty cardboard, old plastic, bubble-wrap and industrial-strength cleaning solution.

It is unbridled insanity over here.

Removal men have been round for the last couple of days doing what I believe gives them their name – removing stuff from the premises. And by jove they’re fast. The house has been virtually stripped to the marrow in less than 36 hours. The stuff that they haven’t hauled out already has gone down to the local dump into one of their gigantic screaming mincing machines.

The wireless modem has been relocated to my mum’s “office”, meaning that the wireless signal throughout the house is now for some reason terribly patchy. So the single table in there has become a kind of nerve centre for the whole family’s computer-based necessities. We’ve got all four of our laptops wired up to what has been dubbed Spaghetti Junction.

Not pictured: Sanity

To make matters ever more chaotic, the removal men will most likely be turning this room upside-down tomorrow.

Oh the joys of moving. πŸ˜›

Quick Aus update

Just some really quick things pertaining to the Australia situation.

  • We said our last goodbyes to the family a couple of days ago. It was a nice final reunion.
  • We’ve sold one of our cars for a good price (but still lower than what we paid for it but that’s the nature of auctions, really).
  • We finally know where we’re going to live – a 5-acre caravan park which should accommodate us comfortably for at least a week.
  • As I mentioned in my last video, the flights are now booked so we’re definitely leaving on Nov 28.
  • SIX DAYS LEFT. MY BODY IS NOT READY.

Also stay tuned for a new music video VERY SOON.

Going to see the family for the last time

Tomorrow we’ll be heading down to Walton-on-Thames and Surrey (which is unfortunately a 3-hour car journey at the best of times) to see our relatives for the final time before we head out to Aus.

It’s going to be emotional. I’m not looking forward to leaving everyone 9000 miles behind me. 150 miles (the distance between Norfolk and Surrey) was bad enough, but this is something entirely else.

So I won’t be online much in the next couple of days, and I realize that I’ve missed out last week’s ESotW (and it looks like I’ll miss out this week’s too), so I’ll be scheduling an update to the blog which should hopefully go through. See you guys in a little while.

TEN. DAYS. LEFT.

Make the nasty thing go away.

This. Fuck everything about it.

A few posts down I wrote how I accidentally offend people nearly all the time. It’s so terribly awkward and un-fun. I don’t try to be a bad guy, but it seems I just am.

However, this time I’m just going to say what I think. I don’t care if you’re offended, because the issue angers me more than it will probably anger you to know that I am angered by it. And if that last sentence angered you, good. Stop reading now.

I simply have two questions.

(1) Who thought it would be a good idea to create a reality television series, and as a result, several spin-off series, based on the everyday lives of lower-class, butter-brained, plum-faced, Nutella-glazed, uneducated, gormless idiots who all happen to live in the same location so we can laugh (or cringe) at their hilarious shenanigans?

(2) Who thought it would be a good idea to take the people who feature in these shows out of those shows, and instead have them appear on popular comedy panel shows which mainly consist of seasoned, quick-witted, middle-class comedians who normally banter away quite happily but suddenly are now having their flow regularly interrupted by whichever clown-faced, squirrel-haired, humanity-misrepresenting newbie has been deemed to be on the show purely for such a purpose, who is constantly clamoring for attention or asking for an explanation as to the last genuinely good (now ruined) joke that was uttered?

Whoever those two people are, both need to be hunted down and garrotted with their own spinal cords.

Keep the people who star in those wretched, exploiting and nigh-unwatchable shows off of my 8 Out of 10 Cats and Never Mind the Buzzcocks. On those shows, they only exist to look hopelessly out of place and have the piss ripped out of them by Jimmy Carr or Noel Fielding or some such other ingenious comedic piss-ripper – it’s a terribly cringe-worthy mismatch.

If I want to see people acting like idiots, I’ll watch the shows that they are meant to act like idiots on. Except I don’t, but I lose out anyway because you bring them onto the shows I watch to get away from idiots.

Below is a list of people I never want to see on TV again. Ever.

  • John and Edward, or… Jedward as they’re abbreviatively known. Whoever looks after them (Louis Walsh?), please ensure put them to bed with a glass of warm milk at a reasonable time, so they have no chance of appearing on any more of the post-watershed shows I like to watch. Cheers.
  • Amy Childs. God, even her name is an abuse of English. I don’t care what accolades you received in pre-school for your elocution, girl, it was not the stopping point of your journey of exploring the English language. Please try harder to speak proper like what I does.
  • Anyone who has anything to do with X Factor. I don’t watch it, but every event that unfolds on it gets mentioned by someone in my Facebook feed enough that I may as well be. I can do without any more of it in my daily routine, thanks.
  • Anyone who won a non-Celebrity series of Big Brother. Especially you, Brian. Never talk about shitting yourself on the tube train ever again.
  • Joey Essex. Dear sweet Lord. Get off my screen you self-obsessed tit.
  • Anyone who pronounces the word ‘brother’ as ‘bwuvva’.

Give all the above people their own 24-hour reality TV channel in which they can be as innocent and act as base and crass as they like. And for good measure, please provide anyone who has access to said channel with a free pair of miniature curtains that can be pulled out from either side of the television screen so you have to be directly in front of it to watch it.

This has been what I think.